Worrying about being a worrier

I am just a worrier I get that but when I'm worrying about worrying,  I can't stop worrying about it. 

I don't really know what to do about it ether. That worries me. I worry about how much I end up worrying about anything from the food I eat (yes the calories!), my body, my weight - right through to forgetting something on my to-do list, to what I said a year ago to somebody. 

I know this is anxiety in its very basic form, and it is this that I deal with on a daily, hourly, minute-by minute basis sometimes. 

For me though, the problem is I just see it as norma, because I am used to dealing with it like this. I guess is somebody else came into my brain and had a wander round they would tell me that it's not right I get back. Does everybody worry like this?

I worry because I didn't reply to any email in the right tone at work, does everybody worry about what the family think about something they have said or done? Or about upsetting someone unintentionally.

It's not always about other people's opinions of me though, it's more about trying to protect myself or predict the outcome of situations most of the time. It is like my biggest fear is 'messing up' or for things that are going okay, turning and going bad. It's why I don't embrace good times - because 9/10 I'm just scared about WHEN I'll mess up.

So if I'm looking at events or planning something. I know I will worry about everything from travel

Logistics, to timing to the food,  what I wear to when I'll be able to go home. So, sometimes that's why is easier not to go all all. But when I do go, it's the planning organisation and worrying that drives me insane and also takes the edge off what I am doing. Don't people see that my 'amazing organisation' is a way to cope? To mitigate against the fear?

It's often said that worrying sucks the joy out of life and I guess it does. This worry and anxiety doesn't cause me nightmares, but I do recognise that it does snuff out some joy of life. 

Add to that the fact that I have learnt to internalise my worry and not have panic attacks like I used to any more, I think my worrying can come across as rude sometimes or like I'm not fully 'there'. Sometimes I think people could see this need to check things are okay as needy or needing compliments or approval. It's not. I'm just trying to get through the day. I don't even know what to say about the worrying either or why I'm like this. I mean on a scale of 1 to major worrier, it's closer to the worry end, but in the grand scheme of things I cope with it.

The problem is that I recognise that is worrying it eating me alive sometimes, especially when I think I've messed up or cause problems for other people and I know it's not about me, it's their reaction. You can tell me that hundred thousand times over and over again but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I do accept that at the time I always worry some people are not worried. But what gets me is when I worry about things from so many different angles and I get muddled up trying take worrying away on multiple platforms, which is then setting myself up for failure to start with. 

I'm sick of worrying about worrying though, I'm sick of driving myself mad trying to come up with a plan I'm sick of worrying about whether I'm doing the right thing by somebody or for somebody. I'm worried that it is me who has upset you and worried about people's lives and I know I can't solve that, like I've already said but I can't switch the worry button off. 

I realise that worrying about weight, body or food is directly anorexia, I know it is and that's where I still need the help but at the end of the day they are going to give same rhetoric over and over again until we've gone full circle. Maybe I just need to let it be. I've tried and I guess I'm always going to think like that and it's up to me to change.

I have moments where I don't worry don't get me wrong, there are the moments I feel more carefree, but nine times out of 10 and most hours I'm worrying about something or other, but not too extreme, just got niggling internal worries.

I've got very good at hiding or passing off with being tired and not having slept up feeling ill and it is that bit that is the lie, it's not that I'm actually okay, it's that I've learnt to feel okay about worrying. Because I lost faith that it'll ever be different.